Your children will be doomed to failure just because of your divorce?
Think again!
Did you know that children who come from broken homes can do very well in life? They can even do better than other children. The catch is…
They need you and your co-parent to handle the divorce right.
Parents who have to deal with the stressful divorce process, custody battles, and family law services are overwhelmed by all the court details, legal advice, and negotiation. The one thing they don’t realize…
The thing that will make all the difference to their child’s life…
Is how they get on after the divorce has been finalized.
So, you may ask…
Why is co-parenting so important?
Research shows that children of separated or divorced parents who live in a shared-parenting arrangement have better outcomes in multiple areas. These include academic performance, emotional wellbeing, and their relationship with grandparents.
Sounds impressive, right?
This article is for you if you are looking for experienced Belfast Family Law Solicitors. Look no further! P.A. Duffy & Co. are the leading family law solicitors in Belfast, Northern Ireland. They understand that co-parenting begins with the right family law advice and arrangement. So, let’s get into it.
You will discover:
- Why Is Co-Parenting So Important?
- A Co-Parenting Communication Blueprint That Works
- Tips for Consistency Across Two Households
- How to Handle the Tough Questions
- How to Build Your Support Network
Why Is Co-Parenting So Important
Hit you with a shocking truth bomb first…
Parent conflict has a far less detrimental impact on kids than people realize.
Bluntly speaking…
Studies examining 54 families showed that children in high-conflict families with strong shared parenting relationships with both of their parents fared significantly better.
Even when the parents hated each other.
The inference? Your children don’t need you to be besties with your ex. They just need you to continue to parent them after the divorce.
Statistically speaking, about 88% of custodial parents have formal custody agreements. But the parents whose children are thriving after the divorce…
Have learned to let go of the past and move forward.
A Co-Parenting Communication Blueprint That Works
What co-parents fail to realize is that they don’t need to overcommunicate. Instead, co-parents need to be strategic about how they communicate.
You don’t need to update your co-parent every five minutes about every single thing that happens in their life.
You need to be laser-focused on sharing the following information:
- Major education or health decisions
- Scheduling changes that impact both households
- Behavior issues that need to be handled consistently
This is it.
Most co-parents have what is called a “parallel” parenting relationship. It means that you and your co-parent have little to no interaction. You keep to your lanes and allow each other to run your households however you like.
And do you know what? Their children seem to turn out just fine.
The true secret to successful co-parenting communications is to keep it business-like. Treat your co-parenting communication relationship like a business one. Would you send your business partner a barrage of texts at 3 am about every minor issue? No, you would not.
The same principle applies in your case.
Tips for Consistency Across Two Households
What really upsets kids after divorce is not having two homes to live in. It’s having two houses that operate under two different sets of rules.
But here’s the deal…
You don’t have to run identical households. You just have to have compatible homes.
Zero in on the big three things:
- Bedtimes within an hour of each other
- Similar rules for screen time
- Limits on major misbehaviors
- Homework expectations
The rest? Let it slide.
Does your ex have the kids eat cereal for dinner sometimes? Tough.
Do they let the children binge-watch YouTube at night? Their house, their rules.
Choose your battles. Children are more adaptable than you think when the overall structure is consistent across households.
How to Handle the Tough Questions
One day, your child will ask the difficult questions:
“Why can’t you and mom/dad get back together?”
“Was the divorce my fault?”
“How come we can’t all live together in one big house?”
Here’s how to answer them without badmouthing your ex:
Keep your answers simple and appropriate for their age.
If your child is younger, tell them something like this: “Sometimes adults realize they can parent better in different homes.”
For tweens, say, “Your mom/dad and I both love you very much. But we work better as a parenting team when we live in separate homes.”
And with teenagers, you can be direct: “Relationships are hard. The good news is we are both committed to being the best parents we can be for you.”
When answering questions, you should never:
- Give them adult information about the reasons for the divorce
- Badmouth your ex
- Make your child feel responsible for soothing your emotional wounds
Your children are not your therapists. They are simply children who deserve to see both their parents being adults.
How to Build Your Support Network
Here’s the best-kept secret:
Co-parenting requires backup.
You cannot do it alone. Don’t even try.
Create your team first by getting a good therapist.
Not because you are broken. But because divorce is hard. Parenting through a divorce is even harder.
Next, find other divorced parents who understand. They will appreciate it when you squeal with delight when your ex shows up for child visitation on time.
Finally, lean on family and friends — but wisely. You want people who encourage your co-parenting efforts. Not those who badmouth your ex to your children.
And here is a surprising fact:
Your best co-parenting ally may well be your ex’s new significant other.
Sounds crazy, right?
Hold on…
They are going to be in your children’s lives. Wouldn’t you rather have them as part of your Team Kid? Instead of against you?
The One Reality Check that Can Change Everything
Let’s have a little dose of reality here…
Good co-parenting is a myth. Even parents who are still married don’t agree on all parenting issues.
So why should you expect to miraculously become super parenting partners after you have divorced?
Set the bar lower, please!
Seriously.
Go for “good enough” co-parenting instead of perfect. Your children need security and love, not to see you pretending everything is all roses when you both know it’s not.
What does good enough look like?
Both parents show up for their child on their scheduled days. Both parents pay what they should pay (at least the ones ordered by the Court). And both parents do not badmouth the other in front of the children.
That’s the baseline. Anything extra is a bonus.
You know what? Children with “good enough” co-parents are thriving. They are faring better than children whose parents are trying too hard to be “perfect” and create more stress and strife in the process.
Move Forward with Intention
Divorce co-parenting is not about perfection.
It’s all about consistency, respect, and a laser-sharp focus on what matters. Namely, your child’s wellbeing.
The science is in: kids can do very well after divorce when both parents are involved and keep conflict to a minimum.
It won’t be easy. Of course not!
You will screw up at times. Guaranteed!
But every time you take a deep breath instead of lashing out at your ex, every time you show up to parent your children even if you are tired, every time you put your children’s interests above your own egos…
You are raising your children’s resilience.
Showing them that families can look different and still be wonderful.
Most importantly? You are showing them that their two parents will always be in their lives. Even if not together as a family unit.
And that is what matters in the end.
